2002-09-25 - 10:49 p.m.
This was one of those days I most dread: when it becomes necessary in my work life for me to make some kind of public presentation. I could write a treatise on just about anything, and luckily my boss is usually happy to let me make my contributions to the University's welfare in writing. I weasel out of it every time I possibly can, but sometimes I have to suck it up and get out there and talk.
I have to make a presentation about our degree audit software to a department that has been less than friendly. If I can win them over it will be a major victory. But the prospect of their skepticism about the project makes me more nervous. As if I wasn't already nervous. As if I didn't get nervous just saying my name in front of more than two people.
So, all day I walk around with a cloud of dread hanging around my head. I have worn an outfit designed to look casual-but-professional. I have defrizzed my hair. I have my handouts all photocopied and highlighted and stapled. But everything that usually engages me in my work day is just a distraction from my mental preoccupation with this appointment. It takes forever for 2:00 to arrive.
And when it finally did.... nothing dramatic happened. The people were fewer in number and nicer than I expected. I accomplished what I set out to do. I was at least adequate.
But I always wish I could do as well as I imagine myself doing, as well as I'm capable of doing if my nervousness didn't always get in the way. It makes me forget words and stammer and fumble and get red in the face. It is a strange electric energy force that makes me behave like somebody I barely recognize. It is exhausting.
This problem occurs with my guitar playing, too. I practice and practice a song, until I can practically play it in my sleep. And then when I go in to my lesson, I freeze up or fumble it. I'm so nervous about performing and being evaluated, that I can't even do what I know I can do.
I am trying to figure out what to do about that. I feel like I have avoided almost all situations in which I have to perform in public. And I have tried not to worry about it too much, because I have come to accept that my talents are mainly in the non-performing arts. But I am also realizing that being outgoing is considered the ultimate virtue in our society, and the ability to perform in public is directly related to one's comfort level in the world. I am not very comfortable in the world. I have never felt that I can make any impact on the world whatsoever. My role always seems to be that of the observer.
Now that today is behind me, I am free to focus on preparations for the Ultimate Extreme Campout Challenge 2002 which is right around the corner! I am leaving Friday afternoon along with Cary and Kim to claim our campsite and stay an extra night. The rest of the family will join us on Saturday. I have already started dragging stuff out of the basement in preparation. It takes a lot of STUFF to cook, eat, and sleep outside and I have a list to prove it. I have taken Friday and Monday off! And as soon as I get through one more work day and do about half a million things, I am going to be out there looking at a million stars on a night like this. And that kind of puts it all into perspective for me. It has been too long. I can't wait.
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