2002-07-14 - 8:56 p.m.
I didn't realize it until I pulled up and stopped in front of the house, but I was holding my breath those last few seconds as we turned onto our street.
There it is. The house. Still there.
No matter how much fun I have, I always feel relieved to come home from a trip and find the house hasn't burnt down or been robbed. We were so anxious to get home, we didn't make any of the stops we planned to make on the way back. We just kept driving. Even the dog, who had been a model traveller all those days, through hundreds of miles, suddenly blew a fuse when we were about twenty minutes from home. He started panting and whining and jumping around in the car. How could he know? I couldn't even scold him too much, because I just wanted to whine and jump around, too.
Everything was just the way we left it. Except that when we left, it was the house of two people who were preparing to leave town for a week, and so everything that didn't have to do with vacation had been pushed aside. It still had that air of expectancy: the list of "things to do before vacation" left out. The fridge empty. The map drawer open.
And now it is the house of two people who are trying to pick up the pieces of everyday life again, and trying to find ways to make it not so hard. But it feels hard. Not that everyday life is so terrible, I remind myself. But I think it takes a certain amount of numbing of the self to go to a full time job and work to satisfy the expectations of others all day every day. During a vacation the self thaws out and looks around and says "Hey, I'm here..." That's what vacations are good for.... to remind you of who you are when you're not playing a role.
So we have a day to unpack and clean and process and switch heads. I call the two people who want to know my whereabouts: my mother and my son. And let them know we're home safe and sound. Tell my vacation stories. Find out how their weeks have been.
And I'm thinking of how I can hang onto some of that vacation feeling. Find time to do the things that matter the most to me, and don't let work and household chores usurp all my good energy. Keep that spirit of exploration and observation that makes any day of vacation an adventure. Make as much music as you can.
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