2003-09-26 - 3:31 p.m.
No, I have not been killed and eaten by predators.
(That�s what we always say the dog thinks when we are gone for a long time�)
Without warning�. And without really planning to, I seem to have taken a long sabbatical from my online journal this summer. Maybe I needed to. I think I was beginning to feel dry and uninspired. And I don�t know if I am reinspired even now. Sometimes I wonder if my life is really worth so much introspection. But yet I kind of miss it�. Especially when some person out there in the world sends me a note to say �Hey, I know what you mean.�
So I was going to do a synopsis of my summer�s projects and insights, but I�m realizing that is becoming a barrier. Instead, I think I will just slip back in through a crack in the back door instead of marching through the arch with a brass band. I think one thing I�ve done to burn myself out is to over-write. Maybe I�ll just try to be a little more casual. Balance�.moderation. You know� those things I�m not very good at�.
So here is the biggest thing I have done in recent weeks: I got a new car! And not just any car, but the car I have been wanting for five years, ever since I first saw them: A yellow Volkswagen Beetle.
I have never been a car person. I�ve driven practical cars, utility vehicles, econo-boxes of one sort or another. My cars have always been picked out by someone else�whatever they wanted or thought I needed, and I barely paid attention enough to keep them running. Cars were for getting from point A to point B in the cheapest way possible. I never yearned for car class or speed or status. BUT cuteness got me. When I saw the new Beetles, it was love at first sight. I even bought the little scale model of the yellow Beetle, back in 1998 and kept it sitting on my dresser so I could see it every day. But I had a quasi-dependable, paid-for car, and the new Beetles were scarce and out of my price range. Back then, Piper and I would sing a little song whenever we saw one on the highway. (It starts out: �There is a car/ that we adore/more than any car/ that came before��)
For a long time, I didn�t imagine I would ever have one. Meanwhile, this summer, my car life was definitely going down hill. We had taken to calling the old Saturn the �low self-esteem car.� Ten years old, 102,000 miles, hail damaged and dented, radio given up long ago, and erratic electrical system�. Every time I got in it to drive someplace, I just assumed the whole attitude of that car�worn out, beat up, damaged, unlucky. But every time I tried to think about replacing it, I just felt confused and unhappy because I knew what I should be getting (something cheap and practical) wasn�t what I wanted.
But then something happened to change that. My brother called me and said he say he had spotted a used yellow Beetle at Carmax. And the next day after work we went to take a look at it. Walking through the enormous car lot, we spotted the blue and the silver Beetles, beside an empty slot.
�It was�. Right here last night� he said.
I could feel my heart sinking. Feel myself getting ready to gulp back my disappointment. But we decided to ask anyway, and the saleslady said, �Oh, no, it�s not gone. We just brought it into the showroom.� And there it was polished and gleaming like new, perfect in every detail. It was all I could do to act like a grown-up. I know it isn�t cool for women in their fifties to scream and jump up and down in a car showroom, but that�s what I wanted to do. (Nobody has ever accused me of being mature!)
So I won�t go through every detail of the process, but what happened is that I traded in my old car on the spot and drove home in the Beetle that very night. And thankfully, my brother was there to go through this whole process with me, because he kicked the tires and asked all the important questions that I didn�t even think of with stars in my eyes and love in my heart.
We had a few minutes to get my stuff out of the old car, before handing it over, and�. I�m such a sentimental fool� I thought I might reflect on the ten years I�d driven it� all the trips we had taken in it�. the basically good car it has been. But strangely enough, at the last minute all I really thought of was how it had been my x-husband�s choice and always seemed to be full of his unhappy energy. Suddenly, all I could think of was that when the car was hot inside it always smelled like his hair. I realized that the car was a last link to him and our unhappy life together, and all I felt when I watched the attendant drive it away for the last time was: relief�..the lifting of some invisible but heavy burden.
By the time we left the car dealership that night it was 11:00 and on the way home, Mike said �Let�s go wake up Jenna!� (our sister). And so we drove over to her house, which was dark and quiet on a school night, and banged on the door. She looked sleepy and confused when she peered out, a few minutes later, until she saw us.
�You guys�. What are you doing?�
And Mike said, �Hey, we got a six-pack. Want to go riding around?� (Which�in case you don�t get the joke�was what teenagers did for entertainment in the small town we came from.) She laughed and came outside in her pajamas and then we showed her the new car and gave her a ride in it. It was a great moment�. Three middle-aged siblings just so excited about a car, and remembering how much fun it was to go wake somebody up and do something silly.
Then I went home and got Piper up, and she was so excited that we went out and drove around some more, and didn�t go to bed until 2:00 am.
So it�s kinda like having one of my dreams come true. Most material possessions don�t make me nearly as happy as I think they will. In fact, most acquisitions are disappointing. But this car. I love this car. It has changed my feeling about driving and my place in the world. Instead of traveling around in a state of anger at all the stupidity around me, I am in a little yellow bubble of serenity. Sure, go ahead of me. I don�t care. I�m too happy to care.
So everyone is kind of laughing at me now, about my car obsession. I am out there washing or dusting some part of it nearly everyday. I can�t even pretend to take it for granted. Our neighbor across the street jokingly asked if I was going to put up a tent over it, and I thought�. well, that�s not a bad idea. Now I get the whole �wash your car and then it rains� irony. I used to think: rain is good�it washes off some of the dirt. I never thought I would feel this way about a car. �Never love anything that can�t love you back,� I�ve said, wisely. But I�ve also been a person who feels that material objects and places can absorb and reflect our energy and intentions. And I know this: having a happy little yellow car has made a big difference in the way I feel about my life. I hope that�s okay.
Oops�I was going to do a short entry�. not go on and on. But it looks like I did anyway. Well, I guess I can always start being moderate tomorrow�
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