2003-03-23 - 10:14 p.m.
It has been a mixed-salad sort of weekend, and I am probably going to have to write something that has no coherence whatsoever, because my mind keeps jumping from one thing to another.
To begin with, my boss informed me on Friday afternoon that I would have to do the dreaded thing on Monday. Yes, public speaking rears its ugly head again. I guess he thought it was no big deal, because I would be making essentially the same presentation that I made the last time. He has no idea how painful it is for me. But I have made a determined effort not to let the worry about this ruin my weekend. And for the most part it hasn't. I've forgotten about it for as much as ten minutes at a time.... Seriously, I've really been thinking it is time to start trying to get over my performance anxiety. Not that I know how to do that, but I know I need to learn to relax, and relaxation has to come from some inner sense of calm. People often mistake me for someone who is calm, because I can be quiet, but usually my mind is blasting on about four channels at once, and my body is wound as tight as a guitar string. So I have been trying to at least notice when I have my shoulders hunched and my mouth tight and just take a minute to untense. It actually helps more than I thought it would.
I have been struggling with my guitar lessons, too, feeling discouraged with my slow rate of improvement, and again, my nervousness about playing in front of my teacher or anybody else. I had been debating with myself about whether I really should continue or if I should just give up and not subject myself to the weekly self-esteem lowering experience. Still, I knew I would feel like a failure if I gave up, and realistically, I would probably never take it up again. But on Friday, even though I was as bad as usual, I talked to Mr. Guitar Teacher and told him I needed to slow down and take more time to learn my pieces, and maybe work on some finger-picking and easier stuff. And he was fine with that, and gave me a new song to play (Dust in the Wind) and I left feeling a renewed sense of hope. The incredibly maddening problem is that I can play what I have learned, the knowledge and ability are there, but I get in my own way. There are moments, when I am not trying too hard, and not overthinking it, that I achieve a sort of flow and then it happens. But most of the time, I sit down to play and I'm trying really hard like the good do-bee that I am, and that energy overdose just ruins it.
Today I went to something called the Wholistic Health Fair. This is an event at the university where all the individuals/businesses/organizations/religions that offer some sort of alternative health care were explaining and demonstrating their methods. Everything I had ever heard of, from the basic (Yoga, herbs) to the questionable (exotic weight loss preparations) was represented. I've never been able to sort out all of this stuff, and some of it sounds completely outrageous to me. But I know two things: I have a basic distrust of regular western medicine, and despise how people are treated by the health "care" system, controlled by insurance companies.... and I have personally had an amazing experience with craniosacral therapy. (This is a type of treatment where the practitioner manipulates the bones of the skull to treat a variety of conditions. The man who performed this treatment on me allievated a back problem I had struggled with for years.) So, I know some unexplainable things work, and there is more to health than going to doctors and taking drugs. I talked to people and read brochures, and was given free vitamin C tablets that tasted like cranberries, and fortune cookies that contained an address instead of a fortune. A strangely impassive man offered to do an energy healing for me, and when I sat down on his chair he placed his hands above my head and began to pray. I honestly did feel something strange, as though my head were buzzing or vibrating, and then felt very light afterwards. But in the end I wound up talking most to a woman from the Yoga studio, and someone from the Buddhist center. I came home with the info on the introductory course in Buddhism, and the Yoga class schedule. I find that I am beginning to look for peace and well-being in places other than books.
Introspection and self improvement: check.
Saturday morning we drove around downtown so Piper (note: I have been calling her Skootie, but I am going to refer to my significant other as Piper in this journal from now on.) could take pictures and look at the urban landscape, as research for the paper she is working on. This city has a lot of problems. Deteriorating city parks, racial barriers, crumbling infrastructure. Both fascinating and sad. But one thing I saw made me realize how paranoid our government is becomming. At the WWI memorial, a couple of kids were hanging up a sign that said "Our veterans fought for peace- no Iraq war." And five policemen showed up. Five.
We also did a bit of socializing. One of our good friends introduced us to her new girl friend, a recent but rapidly becomming significant relationship. They are doing the sort of nerve-wracking meet each other's friends thing now. (Sidebar: In my family, the occasion of introducing a new boy/girl friend is called a "Meatball Dinner." When my sister was going to introduce the family to her boyfriend, Bob, she had a "Meet Bob" dinner, and somebody thought she said "meatball" dinner, and wondered when she was going to serve the meatballs.) We all hit it off very well, and went out for coffee after dinner, and chatted for several hours.
Piper has been hard at work on her paper, and reading a deadly boring book, and basically jumping through all the other hoops of graduate school. But we did take an hour to go for a nice long walk this afternoon and looked at how spring is happening, the city is waking up from winter. There is always a happiness in that for both of us, and a certain good, physically tired feeling tonight, which feels good as opposed to the tired that comes from stress. So I think I will sleep and hopefully not dream about... you know what.
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