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2003-02-12 - 11:22 p.m.

The following entry is written for the Random Acts of Journaling Collaborative.

"It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

When I began to think about this quotation, late last night, it occurred to me that--irrespective of the self image I am comfortable with-- I might not actually be a very good listener. A project was dumped in my lap at work: I have to interview twenty people and write new job descriptions for them. These are people I know and jobs I am familiar with, but I noticed when I did the first two interviews and then showed the interviewees my resulting descriptions, they looked a little.... disappointed.

Was I not listening?

I am usually a fairly quiet person, someone who doesn't call attention to myself in a group, someone you might think of as a good listener. Sometimes I feel like the eternal observer. But so often I am not really listening to other people. Instead, I am trying to think of what I can say, how I can use my knowledge to gain a place in the conversation (or the world). Because that is what society seems to demand of us.

So, I thought, just as an experiment, today I would try to listen as carefully as I could to people and see what I learned.

I had two more staff interviews today. The first was with the new guy, and while I had begun to think he might not be as bad as I originally expected, I was expecting this interview to be a peacock display of attitude.

Don't decide in advance. Just ask questions and really listen to the answers.

An hour later we emerged from the conference room, talking and laughing, comiserating about the trials of being a supervisor. Not only did I have a good interview, but I had some insight into the new guy. He's young and has a lot to learn, but I think he is going to be ok.

Later I interviewed someone I know fairly well: Brendan, the administrative assistant I supervise. We have an easy and friendly relationship, but I noticed when I listened to him closely I was sensing an underlying tension, a desire for more recognition for all the work he does. He had made a five page list of all the things he does, and even though my assignment is to create a simplified, functional job description, I decided to talk to Brendan about all of his different jobs and how he perceived his position in the office dynamics. He left with a smile on his face.

When you listen to people, you have to be willing to let them lead, to not know where the conversation is going.

At lunch I decided to buy some valentines and I went into a tiny card shop near where I work. Although this shop carries some unique merchandise, I hadn't shopped there in years because it is crowded and dirty and the woman who owns it usually seems to be too busy talking to her friends to take money. But... it is convenient, so I decided to give it another try. It was even worse than I remembered. There was barely enough room to walk around, and merchandise was jumbled together with papers, food and cats. As I browsed around, I began to evesdrop on the woman sitting behind the counter holding court.

An elderly lady hobbles into the shop. "I just wanted to stop and say thank-you for the lovely card you sent me while I was sick." she says.

They have a friendly conversation, with the shop owner (whom I shall call D.) inquiring about the details of her health. Shortly after she leaves, an older man comes in and D. immediately spots him.

"Tom! How ARE you?"

"Oh... I'm alright I guess. It's still hard. But thank-you for that nice note you sent me. It really helped."

I figured out from further evesdropping that Tom's wife had died unexpectedly of a heart attack, just short of their forty-ninth anniversary.

"A lot of good years." says D.

"But still not enough." Tom answers.

Without producing any great pearls of wisdom, it seemed that D. knew just exactly what to say.

It was time for me to go and I knew I'd never get waited on, so I just decided to leave. But it didn't even bother me, because I had just witnessed a glimpse of the life of someone who probably spends a lot of her time listening to people. And I saw her funky little shop and indifferent customer service in a completely different light.

Back at work, I ran into a woman who works in admissions. I've known her on a superficial level for years, although I once sat down with her and gave her some academic advice and a pep talk about going back to college to finish her degree. Today I said, "Belinda, How ARE you?"

And she told me. She told me that she was working at two jobs and taking twelve hours of classes. That her husband didn't understand why she wanted to do it and feels threatened, and the kids didn't want to pitch in on the housework.... but she was making it. She has one more semester to go. I told her that I admired her for that... and I do.... more than she will ever know.

It is amazing what people will tell you if you let them know you are listening.

Scootie called me this afternoon, and told me, with panic in her voice, that she might have to drive a bunch of students to the state capitol.... three hours each way.... in one of those big passenger vans. She has to do so many hard things, and is so very capable, but she has no experience driving a large vehicle. I started to talk her into just saying NO, insisting they get someone else.... but then when I listened to her, I realized she wanted to make it work out, that even though she was scared she wanted it to be a success. So what I said was: You can do it. It can't be that hard. Hey... maybe I can go, too and help with the driving.

So I probably will be making a trip next week, too.

Oh, the places my wisdom will take me...

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