2002-12-18 - 7:49 p.m.
On the richter scale of holiday spirit, I register barely a tremor. The holidays seem to bring out all the bizarre contradictions inherent in my life.
We had our little work X-mas party yesterday at noon. Not because this was the best time, but because this was our only shot at the big conference room. The university for which we work does absolutely nothing for its employees for the holidays, not even a card. In fact they usually use it as an excuse to try and get us to donate money to THEM. When I first started working here they produced a holiday dinner for the staff, "for a nominal fee." But they discontinued that years ago, and now we bring in food for our own dinner, and draw names for gifts. And this year we were not even allowed to close the office for a couple of hours to have our little party, so we ate in shifts and left our gifts on each other's chairs. Someone brought in a stuffed reindeer that played "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" when you pressed its foot, and that.... was the entirety of our entertainment.
So as luck would have it, for the gift exchange I drew the name of the one person in the office who really annoys the hell out of me. (Lenny, the smarmy guy who is always skulking around, leering at the women, trying to charm me with phony flattery, saying suggestive things....) Grudgingly I purchased a large jar of cashews and bundled them into a recycled gift bag for delivery to the file room where he works. I thought maybe I would try to remain an anonymous donor, and perhaps avoid any further bonding over the present, but..... I just wasn't quite sneaky enough. He caught me slipping out of the file room and uses his "gratitude" as an excuse to corner me with "friendly" conversation. Before yesterday I did not know that I possessed the ability to say "You're welcome" through gritted teeth while smiling. It's quite a trick. But that's not all....
A nicely wrapped package from ?? appeared on my chair. Inside was a new mouse pad, which I had on my gift suggestion list. Both the wrapping and the handwriting appeared distinctively female, but I asked around and couldn't figure out who the giver might be. And finally I had to face the possibility that it might be..... him. I went into the file room and casually called out: "Hey, Lenny, did you have my name?"
He comes out from behind the stacks. I swear, his eyes were glittering, like a hyena's, and his lips curled into a lecherous grin.
"I don't know...." he says with a coy little lilt to his voice. "Maybe. Maybe not." He is obviously just loving this, the fact that I am being forced, by my own politeness, to deal with him, again....some more.
If there were academy awards given for the best performance in real life, I should definitely be a nominee.
"Well, if you did, then thank you for the mouse pad. It is very nice."
And Lenny, seeing that I am not going to play a guessing game with him, emerges from the stacks and has to have a whole conversation with me about the mouse pad: its size, shape, color, suitability for my mouse, etc. And then he grins and glitters some more about what a wonderful synchronicity it was that we had each other's names. And this is the point at which I was backing away. Fast.
"Yeah. Right. Thanks. Bye."
I am sure that Lenny is in a full state of self-congratulations about now, believing that he has finally established a friendly relationship and a date is sure to follow. And I.... have just participated in a completely insincere exchange of "gifts" that pretty much belies the whole concept. Another holiday celebration down.....
And then I did a bad thing. I was supposed to go to this holiday "tea" given by my bureaucratic superiors which was really an excuse for a business update and official rah-rah session. I loaded the stuff I was taking home into the car so I wouldn't have to come back to the office. I was headed over there, I swear I was. But my car just kept going, past the street where I would have sought a parking place, and off in the opposite direction. Yes, I skipped out. I ditched the vice-chancellor's holiday tea and went shopping. Don't tell anyone. I'm sure they didn't miss me.
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