2002-10-23 - 11:35 p.m.
I saw two people on the street encased in giant clear plastic bags, but most people are finding more conventional ways of keeping dry. Lots of umbrellas out today, bobbing along the sidewalk as the people beneath them scurried to class in the cold rain. It was one of those days that never seemed to wake up. The dull, damp low-hanging grey of the sky completely obscured the sun, and we had the lamps on even at midday.
I love umbrellas. When I was turning six, I asked for an umbrella for my birthday. It was a red plaid child-sized umbrella, and I loved clicking it open and twirling it around, although I can't remember if I ever took it out in the rain. I rediscovered that I loved umbrellas a few years ago, after I realized it wasn't about keeping your hair dry. I like to see them out on rainy days, see who carries one, and what kind. I like having my own little circle of shelter, hearing the raindrops make a popping noise as they hit the tautly stretched nylon. Walking under an umbrella is one of the things that makes me feel like my life is a movie. It's a feeling I enjoy, because for a few minutes here and there I glimpse my own story as though I were looking in from the outside.
Today I watched myself playing the role of a leader, and it is a role that never seems to fit. I don't see myself as a leader, although I am not exactly a follower either. Mostly I am a loner, a person who doesn't believe she has any influence over others, and never really wants or expects to have any. It bothers me that being a leader is the only respected path in our society and is so heavily rewarded.
However, I had to facilitate a meeting with a group of people to talk about our jobs and departmental goals (yes, we are still on that topic). I am usually so nervous about talking in public, even in a relatively small group. But today I just tried to focus on what I could say to put the other people at ease and encourage them. I was completely surprised at how well it went. We had a good group dynamic going, I got people to talk and we came up with some good ideas.
I'm not going to run right out and get a soap box, but it was kind of a revelation to me that I could make this happen. I am, in actual numbers, a grown up.... and have been for a long time. But I've never felt really grown up. Just in the same way I feel completely ridiculous in a business suit and pumps, some little voice always wants to say "but I'm too little to do that!" when I'm asked to do something that requires leadership. But then I do it, even though some part of me is kicking and screaming. Because I suppose that is what it means, after all, to be a grown up.... that you go ahead and do the stuff you never wanted to have to do.
It is getting late. I look out to see if it is still raining and see the purplish-grey sky, and the drops on the windows, but I think it has stopped for the moment. And I see my small dark sillouette mingling with the moving black forms of the leaves outside, looking mysterious, exotic. A window,like so many other things, can be both view and reflection, and sometimes both at once.
�
