2002-10-16 - 11:31 p.m.
I learned something new today. One should always be open to learning something new, I always say. And today was another one of those work occasions I so enjoy.... a meeting with the Big Shots to discuss our department goals. If you will recall from previous installments on this burning, boring saga, we have been involved in the goal setting process over many weeks and it seems that our goals are still just not up to snuff. They are just not bold enough. They are asking us to get creative, think out of the box (as if that phrase is not now cliched enough to have a box all it's own), and not bother with silly little details like whether we have the funds or personnel to do all these wild things. (Or...Don't bother with the "pacifics," as one of the Big Shots told us this morning. Would that be.... the ocean, and...?) But then as soon as we come up with something and put it on the list, they make us assign someone to be "accountable" for this goal and state by when. Gotcha. Is it any wonder that this group of people sat around the table looking like they were trying not to breathe? And my boss had to make a trip out of town?
So anyway, back to what I learned, which has nothing at all to do with goals. The Big Shot in charge of the meeting informed us that we may no longer have Sacred Cows. And by this he does not mean that we can no longer hold certain things to be precious and untouchable..... No, what he means is that we may no longer use the term "sacred cows" because apparently it is politically incorrect. I didn't know cows were sensitive about that, but hey, the university wouldn't want to be caught with its political correctness down. So of course the best minds in university administration rushed in to fill the void. Our chancellor has decreed that we will now officially be using the term "sacred frogs." No, I am not making this up. (So now we can make fun of frogs with impunity? Just because they are green and slippery and live in ponds and are socially stereotyped by Kermit The? One day they too will get organized and demand some respect.) I keep imagining the meeting where this took place. Did they nominate other animals and vote on them? Did they draft a document?
Someone really should relay this decision to the guy in our office who only talks in cliches. This could be very important information for him, if he is able to assimilate it into his repertoire of sayings. (But I can't really be the one to do it because he has a crush on me, and every time I look at him without glaring, or say something provocative like "Good morning," he takes it as encouragement and comes by my cubicle and asks me to lunch.) This guy always tries to answer everything with a cliche if possible, and then gets this pleased look on his face, as if he had just said something terribly witty and original... or passed gas.
Is the printer working today, Lenny?
"The lights are on but nobody's home"
Have you had a lot of students today?
"When it rains it pours."
What are you looking for?
"A needle in a haystack."
How is it going, Lenny?
"Oh, I've got my nose to the grindstone. It's like the blind leading the blind, but I'm not throwing in the towel. Let's not reinvent the wheel."
So having to change a cliche could have a damaging effect on his psyche. I am sure he came from one of those cliche families, where the appropriate cliche is always said for every occasion, and everybody always laughs. And what I have also realized about Lenny is that if he doesn't use a cliche, he can't quite express himself. One day, trying desperately to flatter me, he said, "You look pretty enough to be.... the university chancellor." Which made me almost choke before getting out of sight where I could laugh, because of all the jobs to which being "pretty" might entitle one, university chancellor isn't one of them. Ours has odd taste in clothes and distinctively bad hair, so the comparison is not exactly a compliment. He always tries to think up some smarmy comment to make about my guitar, since I bring it to the office on my lesson days. "You'll probably be the next Enya." he told me last week. Uh... yeah, Lenny.... I think Enya is a SINGER.....
So there you have it: the surreality of my work day.
Don't knock it until you've tried it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. She who laughs last laughs best.
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