2002-10-04 - 11:02 p.m.
I've been playing "Simple Gifts" for a week now, and I'm still fumbling in a few places. I was kind of dreading my guitar lesson today, because even though I have been practicing I felt ill prepared. I was even more nervous than usual, and made mistakes on things I know perfectly well. But I did manage to play an adequate rendition of Simple Gifts on about the third try. Good enough that Mr. Guitar Teacher can tell that I know it, and let me go on to the next lesson.
Today I just asked him if he knew of any ways to get over performance anxiety. And his answer was both comforting and discouraging: nobody really gets over it. Even professional musicians get nervous before they go on stage. He said "If you didn't get nervous you'd be a machine." And that is kind of a good thing to remember. I am glad to know I am in good company, but yet the professionals overcome their anxiety and get out there and play. And my fingers turn to rubber if I have an audience. I really want to change that. I am trying to look upon my experience with learning to play the guitar as an opportunity for personal growth. I have been nervous about performing (in any capacity) in public all my life, and I would like to find a way to control that reaction.
I also managed to get him to tell me that I wasn't doing badly, relative to other beginners who have never read music before. Not that I am trying to be competetive, but I just wondered if I was the worst person ever to think I could play a guitar. And apparently I am not. For some reason that matters to me, and he probably knows it. He is a very patient guy. No matter how badly I play, he manages to make me feel okay about it.
My guitar lesson comes in middle of my work day, and sometimes it is hard to take off the work hat and put on the music hat in such a brief space of time. Like today. I was having a tense day at work. Because I am now the person who decides on petition cases. That is: who gets their money back if they decide to drop a course or drop out of school. And today everyone was calling me, wanting to tell me their stories, wanting to find out the status of their cases. I agonize over some of these decisions involving large amounts of money, that seem to have such dramatic impact on people's lives. And some of the clear cut cases are still heartbreaking to deal with. Terrible things happen to people. I'm not used to thinking about how many tragedies are around me every day, and it makes me look at people in a new way.
And it makes me appreciate the "Simple Gifts" of my life, as hectic as it is right now.
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