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2002-10-02 - 11:42 p.m.

Following is an entry for the Random Acts of Journaling Collaborative:

If you can't have faith in what is held up to you for faith, you must find things to believe in yourself, for a life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live.

George E. Woodberry

When I was a little girl I had a small plastic bauble on my charm bracelet that encased a mustard seed (at least that is what they said it was). It was given to me by my aunt, I think, and it represented the biblical directive that faith the size of a mustard seed could move a mountain. I remember looking at it and thinking they must have that whole thing backwards. Faith the size of a mountain could maybe move a mustard seed. But was it really worth all that trouble?

I followed the customs and rituals of growing up in a mainstream protestant church, where religion meant potluck suppers and vacation bible school and choir practice. Nobody I knew ever showed any signs of struggling with issues of faith. If you were a church member then that was your faith. You believed in god, and god obligingly believed in you.

I have often wondered why it is that so many people don't question the beliefs of their religious heritage, and I could never accept mine. I am sure my family had the best intentions for instilling moral foundations by taking me to Sunday school and teaching me to sing Jesus Loves Me This I Know. But it didn't take.

I always knew the feeling was not inside me. I listened to the sermons and I was inspired to be a better person, and I put my dimes in the collection plate. But I knew that when I was alone with myself, I would not be turning to god for comfort. Faith is what you have if you truly believe and truly trust. Often I have thought how easy it would be to just hand your life over to some unseen presence, and believe that he/she/it will make everything okay. But I can't find the truth in that.

You can make yourself do a lot of things you don't want to do. You can go to work everyday and pretend to care about your job and be nice to all the people who drive you crazy. You can keep your unpopular opinions to yourself. You can fake it. But you can't make yourself believe something you don't believe.

But I don't and will not be condemned to live in a "narrow space." Faith of a certain kind may enlarge your space, but religion narrows it. The faithful seem to latch on to a set of beliefs and then built a wall around their lives to keep anything from challenging those beliefs. The world is far more mysterious and complex than any of us will ever imagine. Life is too short to wear blinders.

I believe in possibility. I believe that we don't know how the universe works and we will be constantly surprised and amazed if we can just remain open to it.

I believe in nature, the power of growth, the cycle and continuity of life.

I believe the sun will continue to rise every morning, and every day I live is a new chance to be something more than I was before.

I believe in the power of creativity, the awesome power of the human mind to invent, reveal and transcend.

I believe that there is some love on this planet, and that truly loving another human being is the most profound act of faith.

And I have faith in myself. It is a different kind of faith, I suppose, than the kind that helps you make sense of the world. But I can say that I trust myself to be the kind of person I respect. I believe that I am more than the sum of my social construction. Meaning that, If I were to lose everything I had, I could still look around me and find something to do, something to care about.

Who knows....that might be enough to move a mountain.

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