2002-09-22 - 11:11 p.m.
I don't go to parties very often. Most of the people I know now are quiet types with rather limited circles of friends. And I have to admit, the prospect is usually terrifying. For introverts like me, parties can be seen as a viable alternative to hell. I am probably psychologically scarred by attending some social climber parties with XH2, and being snubbed by all the people who figured out pretty quickly that we weren't rich enough to cultivate. I have bad memories of being forced to examine the potted plants (since I was apparently being mistaken for one) in order to feign interest in something besides the fact that nobody would talk to me.
But Saturday night I went to a party. Because it was at Mindy's and I like her, and her husband Tom (another coworker),and because I know some other people who will be there, it seemed to have some fun potential. So okay, I thought, I will go to this one. And I actually had a pretty good time. I liked seeing Mindy and Tom's warm and comfortable house, full of family photos and mementos, their daughter's art work. They had a huge friendly dog that bounded from person to person, giving everyone something over which to make a fuss.
And I will have to say that I didn't do too badly as a party guest. I would give my self a B- on demeanor and conversation. I was friendly and managed to sustain conversations with several people that didn't make them suddenly need to run and freshen their drinks. I actually made remarks that got laughs on at least two occasions. On alcohol consumption, I rated about a C+. Three drinks was probably one too many, but I didn't do anything stupid. On hors d'oeuvre/munchie consumption, however, I was a dismal failure. Unfortunately, being nervous and being surrounded with mini quiches, pretzels, bagel dogs, chex mix, nachos, chips and dip, peanuts and chocolate cookies completely negates what self-discipline I have.
All that aside, I kept thinking about how grown up we all were. Or should I just say it: old. Sometimes I feel like I haven't even gotten used to being a grown-up yet, and here I am at parties where almost everybody has at least some grey hair. Where you can easily talk over the music. Where people start leaving at ten. There was a lot of talk about partying, about drinking "Strip-and-go-naked's" and dancing to "Brick House." But it was not being done. Everyone is so careful. It is a long drive back to the city. Everyone has things to do tomorrow.
And it isn't that they shouldn't be careful. It is wise to be careful, and smart and safe and it makes sense. It is just that I was remembering what it was like when nobody cared whether they were doing the smart and careful thing. But you can never go backwards. Once you pass that phase of your life and have something worth protecting, you never can just say "fuck it" and go ahead and stay out all night. Sometimes you can pretend to, but it isn't the same, and you know it.
I was remembering when "party" meant something entirely different to me. Parties were the stage where all of our social life was enacted. Major life transformations happened, multi-act dramas were played out, hearts were broken and mended and broken again. You could meet someone and become close friends in one night. Refreshments were Bali-Hai and a box on Screaming Yellow Zonkers if anyone thought of it. Most of the guests ended up sleeping on the floor, if any sleeping was done at all. Your greatest worries were a visit from the cops and how in the world to clean up the mess in the morning.
Gawd, that was so long ago, and I don't want to live like that again. But once in a while I still miss the intensity, the feeling that you could go out on Saturday night in your coolest outfit and your whole life could change. That sense of adventure was more intoxicating that all of the legal or illegal substances we thought we were so into.
Like most of my contemporaries, my life is no longer up for grabs. After a while you have so many life experiences that anything new is diluted in the sea of memory. And so we have become mature. We have eliminated whole planets of possibility. We know who we are and what we are and nothing that happens on a Saturday night is going to shake our world. So we just get together and have a nice polite time once in a while. And that's good.
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