2002-09-18 - 11:00 p.m.
I'm taking a strange delight in being disciplined these days. I'm walking three miles every night, practicing my guitar faithfully, eating right, making it to work on time, not buying anything I can't afford. And it feels good. I just noticed that nothing special is happening, but I have been really happy with my performance in life recently. Usually I am so right-brained, that I try to do one thing really, really well, and in the process, let everything else fall apart. Which doesn't actually work that well as a life strategy.
But this is the beginning of my best time of year. Maybe it is because I was born in November that I always feel like I start to come alive in the fall. Although it is still getting hot, the mornings are cool and it is still middle-of-the-night dark when I wake up at 6 am. I feel it coming. I am getting my fall power surge.
All summer I have been slogging around, hot and miserable, wearing the same old clothes, scratching mosquito bites, battling the frizzy mess that my hair turns into. I don't like the way I look or feel in the summer, and by the end of August it is usually getting me down. I start believing I really am a wretched mess.
But when fall arrives there is hope for me. It is not just the cooler weather, although that is a relief. The fall is such a time of change, so beautiful and so fleeting. If you put off appreciating its gifts then they will soon disappear for another year. It always brings me to the present, makes me remember to delight in my senses. I love the falling leaves, the colors, the crispness in the air, and even the thunderstorms.
And I love fall clothes: sweaters, woolens, corduroys, boots.This year, I have a new pair of boots, just waiting in the closet for a cold day. The perfect black leather boots, mid-calf height, with rounded toes and chunky soles. If I could create a prototype image of myself, she would be wearing jeans, boots, and a wooly sweater. That is the way I always envision myself. Everything else is a kind of costume I wear to fit in. (That word always reminds me of when we girls used to tease my brother by referring to his football uniform as his "football costume." It made him so mad.)
Tonight we were late getting started on our walk, because Skootie had her guitar lesson. So it was already almost dark by the time we finished our three miles. Near the end, I decided to stretch my legs and run for a while. It felt so good, running in the dark down a crunchy gravel path, feeling my body move fluidly. I felt so free, I wanted to keep running but I am not really in shape for it. I remembered how much I used to like to run, how it could be such a high. I was never really fast or anything, but I did build up enough endurance to run 4-6 miles a night, and once (only once) did a long run of nine miles. I always stop running because I get too involved in it and start planning my whole life around my running.... and then I get tired of that as a life style, so I take a break. And then I am demoralized by how much conditioning is lost when I take time off, and it is twice as hard to go back.... So, I don't know.... some part of me still wants to just get out there and run. And some part of me knows I would need to keep it in a manageable place in my life. Back to the balance thing.
I like the feeling of possibilities opening up, doors unlocking, roads clear ahead. I like knowing I have the energy to make it happen, whatever I decide to do. Who knows, something always changes during the fall power surge.
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