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2002-09-06 - 10:07 p.m.

It was Fish Day in my workplace. Yes, it was the day we were all rewarded (their word) for all our hard work by attending a compulsory attitude management seminar called "Go Fish." After writing our names on construction paper fish and affixing them to our chests with double-stick tape (don't we feel silly) we were herded into the large meeting room where specially prepared round tables awaited.

The director Over Us All who is known for his unfriendliness and complete lack of a sense of humor got up and told us that we should be having fun at work. And he sort of managed to force his face into a smile, but you could tell it was probably a major strain on his facial muscles and he is probably having to put BenGay on them tonight. Anyway, have FUN, because if you're having fun you are supposedly loving your job and being super productive, and of course that is the real point of all this. The new workplace mythology: the way to get more out of the employees is to make them think they like it.

Then he turned the program over to the Fish Facilitator, who was rather engaging in a lounge singer sort of way: remembering peoples names, making jokes about his tie. He probably started his career selling encyclopedias or aluminum siding because he spent the first part of his time telling us how much everyone loved the fish philosophy and how much we were going to love it. I am always a little suspicious of anything I have to sold on before I get to hear what it is.... call me a cynic.

As in most seminars, the first thing we had to do was get up and go sit with people you didn't choose to sit with, based on some arbitrary criteria. So I moved to the table with the green lantern to sit with the other people whose construction paper fish had green eyes. Each person was required to write down three qualities (on a lime green index card, because lime green is a good color for fish bait we are told) of a perfect work environment. Even though everyone there was probably thinking, as I was: just pay us well and treat us like human beings..... we all performed like the good little trained workers we are and wrote down things like "teamwork." Then we had to arrive at a consensus on three qualities per table, and select one person to report them to the larger group. But to make certain this group representative suffered the maximum embarrassment (excuse me... had the most fun), he or she had to don the seashell necklace and captain's hat that were on the table (and we thought they were just the centerpieces!) and stand up holding the lantern before speaking.

The Fish Facilitator wrote down all of our presented ideas in an illegible scrawl on an overhead projector screen. As far as I could tell, the point of this was not to find out what we wanted, but to get someone to say something that related to the presentation. And sure enough, someone did.

Then we watched the video about the Seattle fish market that throws the fish around and has now become famous because they are the subject of this whole fad. It was somewhat amusing to see all of the Big Shots in the room mesmerized by the inarticulate philosophical musings of fish market workers.Throwing fish around does look like quite a bit of fun though, I'll give them that.The FF decided to prove it after the video by handing out several large sheets of paper to members of the group and throwing stuffed fish at them.

The last part of the program consisted of getting back together with your own department and brainstorming ways to put these principles in action in your daily work life. How do you have a giddy good time with administrative processes and tiresome bureaucracy? This is where it gets scary. The office of admissions decided they would make up a song, and then when they had new students coming in they would all surround them and clap and sing like the waitstaff in chain resaurants do for birthdays. If I were a student and that happened to me, I would be terrified. And OUR department...(it was the other end of the table, thank you very much) thought up this one: when a student comes in to pick up a diploma, they could rush out and take a picture of the student accepting his/her diploma. But the camera would be empty, and the staff member would then present the student with a picture of a monkey accepting a diploma. Actually I think this would be a good way to push someone over the edge.It is so hard to jump through all the hoops and navigate the roadblocks to graduation, I have seen plenty of students look at that diploma like they didn't know whether to frame it or use it for toilet paper. Handing them a picture of a monkey and having a big laugh at their expense could possibly result in an increase in staff members having diplomas removed from places "the sun don't shine."

Our keepsake from this experience was a one inch wide strip of paper with a bad resolution smiley face computer printed on it. I know I will always treasure mine. The people who caught the stuffed fish-- had to give them back.

On that note we returned to our work stations. To the phone flashing with messages and urgent papers left on our chairs. Later though, a coworker from another department came by and asked me if she should just toss some files over the cubicle wall, and we had a laugh over that, so I guess it wasn't all for naught.

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