2002-08-11 - 10:13 p.m.
I have been thinking a lot about music this weekend. One of the things I wanted to document in this journal was my progress in learning to play the guitar, because I think very few people who have never had a single music lesson start trying to learn an instrument in middle age. I didn't know what to expect from this process, but I have a confession to make: I thought I would be good. Because I expect that of myself. I am good at a lot of things and I expected that as soon as I put my mind to learning it, I would excell.
It is FAR too early to judge: I have only had three lessons. But I had the very humbling experience of being disappointed in myself after my lesson Friday. After practicing at home, and playing my little songs perfectly (what must have been) a hundred times... I just blew a fuse when I had to perform for Mr. Music Teacher. He is infinitely patient, but I knew he must have thought I hadn't practiced at all. I got nervous and those little notes on the lines just looked like heiroglyphics. And of course the thing with nerves is: the more I get nervous, the harder it is.... and the worse I do, the more I get nervous. Until I have completely crashed and burned. So.... I left with the assignment to work on the same pieces again this week. The thought did flicker across my mind: what if I can't learn this? What if I am just fooling myself? But I have promised myself that I would stick with the lessons for at least a year before I make any kind of judgement. And that is a long way down the road.... a road I hope is not paved with musical failure. This is where I have to teach myself to be moderate and just accept that the process of learning something difficult is by nature frustrating and uneven.
I have spent a good amount of time with the guitar this weekend. Practicing my little songs. Trying above all to keep my attitude and emotions from interfering with my learning process. I think that trying to learn four different things at once (1. reading music, 2. timing, 3. left hand, 4. right hand.) is what is tripping me up, and I may progress faster when I can take one or more of them for granted. (This is something I learned from my limited experience with video games..... if you are going to get good at a game you can't think both "what do I do?" and "how do I do it?" in response to a situation. How-do-I-do-it has to be automatic.)
Better music news--I have a new toy: a walkman mini-disc player. Skootie bought it for me this weekend, just to be sweet and cheer me up.... I had been wanting one, and we wanted music for exercise motivation. We have an MD recorder, and so we can put any music we want on the tiny discs, just about two inches square. It is the most lovely little thing....it sounds wonderful, and the whole music system fits into a small pouch about size of a wallet. I think I will take it to work and spend my lunch hours listening to something that will help take my mind off of the craziness that will begin tomorrow when the fall semester floodgates are thrown open.
Sunday night. Music. Ice cream. Trying to have a life that make sense. Trying to make peace with my least favorite time of year.
For about eight months we woke up every morning to this song "Calling All Angels:"
"If you could, do you think you would give up all the pain and suffering? Ah, but then you'd miss the light upon this earth, and the sweetness of the leaving....." (Jane Siberry)
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